Rules for Borrowing My Jedi Master, Obi Wan Kenobi
by Eryninn
Summary: Just what the title implies. Anakin lays down a few rules, inspired by two sources. One, SG 1's fic about borrowing Daniel. And crazyundeadfairy's Obi Wan's rules for dealing with Anakin. R and R. I don't bite.


Title: Rules for Borrowing My Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
Rating: G.  
Disclaimer: Don't own this stuff. Only wish I did.  
Warnings: None really, though Anakin is very possessive of Obi-and it shows.  
Genre: Humor. (Well, I think its funny.)  
Summary: Basically what the title implies.  
Author's Notes: Inspired by a series I had seen done for SG-1 regarding the borrowing of Daniel. Also, by crazyundeadfairy's rules by Obi-Wan regarding Anakin (or vice versa). Slightly slashy.

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Rules for Borrowing **_My_** Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  
Emphasis on the **_My_** meant (_so don't you dare take it out, Master Windu_),  
by Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker.

Against my most strenuous advice-_and even though my Master knows full well that I am right_-he has bowed to the wishes of the High Jedi Council and will go on missions without me. I do not like this idea one bit. I find it to be rather shortsighted and dumb. But that's the Council for you. (_Sorry, Master_. _You know I don't mean you_.)

This is foolishness for every nefarious denizen of this Galaxy-and some outside of it-will attempt to kill him. And the other half wants to spirit him away to use for their own pleasure, be it harmless or self-indulgent.

I do **_not_** like this idea one bit either.

Nevertheless, it is my Master's wish to follow the will of the Council. Once again, the perfect Jedi that he is has swayed me to accepting this situation as fate accompli. Very well. I accept it.

But I am **_not_** required to accept it with good grace.

Therefore, anyone who wishes to borrow **_my_** Master will have to accede to my wishes. They will also be required to sign this form that they understand what I am saying.

And fill out the permission slip I have yet to write up.

#1.) The number one rule-the only rule you should obey with total compliance and alacrity is this

-DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY MASTER!

You will not allow him to be taken captive. You will not allow him to become anyone's pleasure slave, no matter how appealing their offer is.

If you let anything happen to **_my_** Master because none of you can effectively protect him, I will kill you slowly and painfully before I go rescue him.

This is not foolish bragging. Or my just writing down an empty threat.

I am deadly earnest.

I will do this because he is way more valuable to the Republic and thus the entire Galaxy than you will ever be.

You are expendable.

He is not.

Get used to it.

I may be known as "_The Hero With No Fear_" but that is because he is my ally. He helps me and I reap the rewards of his infinite patience and wisdom. You would do so well if you had such a friend and companion as him by your side.

I do not care that much for your fate or your reasons for failure.

If he disappears, if I lose him for even a heart's beat in time, the next thing you will feel is my lightsaber cutting you down. Even if it displeases my Master-_as I know full well that it will_-I will still eradicate you.

My other rules are no less important but the consequences of failure are somewhat less…dire.

But not by much.

#2.) You will not allow Master Kenobi to wear himself out negotiating, fighting, practicing, responding to the demands of whiney diplomats…In short you will make sure that Obi-Wan Kenobi takes care of himself. A task you will find harder to do than, say, wrestling a krayt dragon into submission.

My Master has an odd habit. For all his hubris, he does not actually care about what happens to his precious person. He will go for long spans of time without remembering that he is a living being in need of rest and food. Of letting another person (_except for me_) take over and arrange things. This is not because he doesn't trust you, it is because he is a workaholic.

If he comes home looking even slightly worse than he did when he left, I will pummel you for failing to properly take care of my Obi-Wan. Now, to be fair I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

Be warned, though, it is a very fine line you tread. There are very few reasons I will consider as reasonable for his unhealthy condition.

#3.) No one, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE, has the right to address him casually. That is a right reserved for only a few people. Those being the members of the Jedi Council (_not that they would_) or myself. We are the only ones with the right to call him Obi or Obi-Wan.

You will address him as Jedi Kenobi, Master Kenobi, or General Kenobi depending upon the situation.

Master Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Jedi Master and a General in the Clone Wars. He should be referred to as such in a respectful manner.

If I hear you call him anything but "Master" or "General", I will rip out your tongue and make you eat it.

#4.) If Master Kenobi starts to see and/or feel Asajj Ventress anywhere, you will take him seriously no matter how outlandish the claim sounds. If he tells you about this,

YOU WILL NOTIFY ME IMMEDITATELY.

And I don't care where I am or what I am doing. Nor do I care what the Jedi Council or Obi-Wan says about leaving me alone. He will do this and, this is the only time I will say this, you WILL ignore his words.

Because if you don't, well. Need I remind you about rule #1?

Consider this my only warning about this creature who masquerades as a human being.

Asajj Ventress is tricky. This woman also has a nasty habit of NOT BEING DEAD. She plays dead really well. She has a deadly fixation on my Obi-Wan. She has-and will-do many horrible, nightmarish things to him.

I've said this before. I reiterate it here. Obi-Wan means more than you ever will.

If she gets him, you better have died protecting him-because I will hunt you down and kill you like the cowardly creature you are.

#5.) Obi-Wan Kenobi does not see things the way other people do. He really doesn't. There are times when you will find him to be the most sensitive of men. Other times, he exhibits rather pointless words and gestures. Sometimes he can be cruel with his words. He does not mean to be.

Take no offense for he doesn't mean them the way another would.

Do not try to get revenge on him through your words or actions. He won't notice. (_Even if he did, he will not understand the reasons behind your actions_.)

But**_ I_** will.

#6.) Though a brilliant pilot, Obi-Wan does not like to fly. In fact, he positively **_hates_** flying. And here I am not referring to flying into battle. He hates any kind of flying.

This does not give you an excuse to laugh at him or mock him. Obi-Wan can and will fly rings about you if he could be persuaded it would be a lesson in humility-_and **I** can get him to do almost anything_.

His skills are second to only one pilot-me.

#7.) Obi-Wan Kenobi is a negotiator. He prefers to talk it out than fight it out. In many instances, this **_is_** the correct action. You should listen to him.

Do not make the mistake in believing that because he prefers to talk he cannot fight.

If a fight breaks out, you will find him right in the heart of it. Obi-Wan Kenobi will fight from the beginning to the end, tirelessly and with all the strength he has, no matter the odds.

Your job is to stay beside him, even if your battle instincts say that it is hopeless to continue.

As in the political arena, when the fighting starts it is his call. He never calls for a retreat unless all other options have been exhausted. It is just the way he is. Do not think for one moment that I will not find out that you have left him alone on the field of battle.

This will not please me.

See rule #1.

#8.) My Master is a serious drinker. He enjoys a bit of liquor every now and again. This does not mean that he would be a great target for cheap jokes of any kind. This is a warning for he gets nasty when his drinking is interrupted. Or his drinks go missing or are altered in some way.

I speak from personal experience. Trust me, you don't want to know. (_I will say this, limbs have a tendency to become detached_.)

#9.) Do not let anyone share quarters with my Master. I don't care how crowded the ship is or the tents are. That is a privilege only I have. If you are going to borrow **_my_** Master that is another thing you will have to get used to.

Besides, I **_don't_** share.

#10.) There are some rumors that **_my_** Master makes great bait.

**_I would_** **_strongly advise everyone to forget that little bit of information_**. You will not be a happy being if you don't.

**_I_** will not be happy if you don't. And you should know by now what I am like when I am displeased.

This kind of thing should only be done by an experienced, trained to rescue Obi-Wan Kenobi Jedi Knight-and you are not such a person. In fact, there is only one person qualified to do this. One person who has totally dedicated themselves to this effort for the safety of Obi-Wan Kenobi means the whole world to that person.

Me.

Should you attempt to do such a thing, I will be forced to take the appropriate action against you.

Am I making myself perfectly clear? Or should I just point out rule #1?

These may seem like rather harsh rules for the care of one Jedi Master. But they are more than adequate-even a little under prepared for anyone but I. To put it bluntly, I know my Master's every need and thought before it occurs to him.

You don't.

As such, I trust him to take care of himself. This he will do, unless it will cause another pain. Or to be abused in his place. Obi-Wan will never tolerate such a thing.

You are to see that it NEVER COMES TO THAT.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is the greatest Jedi we have, though he will deny it with every breath he takes-and then some. He is. As such, he will never let you down even if his methods or words confuse you. You will accept him as he is because he will do his very best to preserve your life and the lives of those he is serving.

You will make that path as smooth as possible.

When things go well, you will see why it is important to keep him safe. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a happy Jedi when he is met with success. He is especially happy when things go well and no lives are lost. When this happens, the glow of the Force illuminates all about him. Everything about him changes and is infused with hope.

He may even break down and smile at you.

When Obi-Wan smiles, it is indescribable. If he does, enjoy it for it may be the only time you will ever see it. Because next time I see you, I may have reason to kill you.

Signed, in my hand and under extreme protest,  
_Anakin Skywalker_, Jedi Knight.  
General of the Clone Wars.

P.S.-to any Younglings who even _think_ of looking towards _my_ Master as a prospect, don't even. The word _my_ in front of Master is not just ornamentation.  
-_Skywalker_.

End

_Author's Note #2: Asajj Ventress is a character introduced in the Clone Wars. She was trained as a Jedi, though she had never been to the Temple. She worked with Count Dooku, was an apprentice of sorts to him._


End file.
